Sometimes I am stuck trying to make myself fit what I think everyone wants me to be. More emotionally untouchable, less likely to fall into a pit of endless crushing when I crush, more likely to say relationships don't matter, less likely to search out a partner, etc. And then I like someone. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't happen that often (which just puts more pressure on when it does), so I find myself daydreaming, wishing, analyzing every last event and generally making myself miserable.
Why?
Because I assume that all traits are hierarchically organized. Because I am essentially falling into the trap of binary oppositions and their 'value.'
I'd like to be constantly reminded that different and better are two different concepts. I'd also like to strike better/worse from my brain. So what if I am 'round,' or 'dorky,' or 'awkward' when I have the most giant crush on this guy. He makes my cheeks flush and all the friendly small talk that I could make flushes from my mind. What the eff, what am I supposed to do? Assume I am a low quality cut of steak just because I lose out on the imagined values of binary oppositions like round/thing, dorky/suave, or awkward/conversational? Assume he finds me 'unacceptable'? Or worse, assume he isn't remotely interested?
Fuck better/worse, I am Stevie.
To you, the guy I am crushing on: I am amazing. I'm pretty much the best catch you've ever met, and I think you know it. I'm not going to put the reasons in a list, I'd like to get a chance to show you all my fantastic qualities, though. So don't worry about all the other things, let's just talk, or hold hands, or get giddy. I am worth the effort.
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i had awesome comment(better written than this) and it didn't post. anyways.... leave binary opposition to those who think its important because they have not achieved a perfect oneness. the ego is divided and fighting between self and perceived self. with meditation is a goal: to allow perfect oneness in; being love/god/peace, whatever you call it. perfect oneness will not come to where the mind is divided by the ego. i hate to be told who to be, who i am, what i must do and feeling like a failure if i'm not those things or don't do those things. so if it comes to doing something positive or trying to change myself: if i can, then i must, and if i don't, it doesn't matter. hehehe.
ReplyDeleteThat last paragraph- it is absolutely true, and if this guy's got a brain in his head he will realize it ;)
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