A Healthy Dose of Retrospective

I think it's really important to review. Time passes, things happen, and growth occurs. Some growth is effective--so that next time you don't step on an angry bee--but some growth is slow and requires a certain level of introspection.

Boy meets girl, boy is nice to girl, girl does a few annoying things, girl gets close, girl becomes a threat, and boy is grateful that he never really committed.

I mean, there are a million and one scenarios. There are a million and one victims or villains. (Though I am willing to bet you are the victim at least 51% of the time.) In review, what happens when you realize that all the things that happened to you made you feel one way when they happened, and another now, but you get the most odd sense that everything is happening to you, no matter how hard you tried to make it happen.

What happens when you feel like you are spinning out of control and all you want is to take a careful step on that icy street so you don't fall and fracture your knee this time?

I can't believe the things that have happened to me in the last year or two. The number of meaningful connections, valuable artistic pursuits, and amount of production of personal merit has been off the charts. I should follow Amber's example and write up a gratitude list post for those things.

But what really gets me is through all the experiences of the past years, the one thing I've wanted has just become more clear, more present in my mind, and more important. I am missing something and I don't know it yet, so I can't quite describe it. I can't correlate my feeling to a real experience, so I flounder for words and grasp for footing that will give me the knowledge of where I am going and what I am going to do there.

I am the Stevie, bitch!

Sometimes I am stuck trying to make myself fit what I think everyone wants me to be. More emotionally untouchable, less likely to fall into a pit of endless crushing when I crush, more likely to say relationships don't matter, less likely to search out a partner, etc. And then I like someone. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't happen that often (which just puts more pressure on when it does), so I find myself daydreaming, wishing, analyzing every last event and generally making myself miserable.

Why?

Because I assume that all traits are hierarchically organized. Because I am essentially falling into the trap of binary oppositions and their 'value.'

I'd like to be constantly reminded that different and better are two different concepts. I'd also like to strike better/worse from my brain. So what if I am 'round,' or 'dorky,' or 'awkward' when I have the most giant crush on this guy. He makes my cheeks flush and all the friendly small talk that I could make flushes from my mind. What the eff, what am I supposed to do? Assume I am a low quality cut of steak just because I lose out on the imagined values of binary oppositions like round/thing, dorky/suave, or awkward/conversational? Assume he finds me 'unacceptable'? Or worse, assume he isn't remotely interested?

Fuck better/worse, I am Stevie.

To you, the guy I am crushing on:  I am amazing. I'm pretty much the best catch you've ever met, and I think you know it. I'm not going to put the reasons in a list, I'd like to get a chance to show you all my fantastic qualities, though. So don't worry about all the other things, let's just talk, or hold hands, or get giddy. I am worth the effort.